"...I am patient with myself..."
"...I am kind to myself..."
"...I am accepting and non-judgemental of myself..."
Ahhh...if only true!
I have always been my own worst critic.
It has been one of the greatest challenges in life - to actually like myself.
But I'm working on it, and making progress...
It's been a life long journey, and part of the recent progress is based on developing a changed perspective about my internal critic (which I suspect we all have).
Now when mine shows up, I have finally learned that I can actually choose whether or not to listen and believe what he says. So it is becoming easier to stop ripping off my arm and beating myself up with it when I make a mistake.
And then there's perfection.
I have always strived towards a better way of living, a life of character, a life of consistantly increasing virtue - to be the Last Boy Scout...
- Trustworthy
- Loyal
- Helpful
- Friendly
- Courteous
- Kind
- Obedient
- Cheerful
- Thrifty
- Brave
- Clean
- and Reverent
I've come to realize that trying to live up to the standards established by the 12 points in the Scout motto, learned at age 11, a few years before turning my life over to Christ, has been my subconscious North Star for a looong time.
Congruency is achieved when your actions are aligned with your core beliefs...
I do believe through Jesus Christ, I am seen as perfect and sinless in God's eyes, but that does not make all my actions acceptable and perfect here on earth.
Much like Sisyphus pushing his large boulder up the mountain, only to have it repeatedly roll back over him - it was only recently that I gained understanding of my life-long struggle pushing my own boulder up the mountain - of trying to achieve a life of unattainable perfection...and being crushed when I failed.
Though now I completely understand the reality that no one (including me!) will ever, nor can ever achieve perfection while living on this earth.
And finally realizing that full awareness has been life changing.
And my conclusion after reflecting on this new perspective:
Accepting that I shall never be perfect, I have made a conscious choice to still pursue a life of virtue - but for totally different reasons now.
It's no longer to attain perfection, but for the simple satisfaction of pursuing "a life better lived".
For a long time my personal interpretation of "Success" is a progressive realization of a worthwhile goal or objective...
I believe it's the struggle, the pushing against the boulder, which makes us stronger and provides true satisfaction since success is the pursuit of a worthy goal, not just the attainment.
It is not taking the smooth road, the easy path and it's not achieved only upon reaching the destination.
In fact, the pursuit of virtue has once again become a fresh adventure with renewed energy, new discoveries, and with new motives...
...one of fully accepting myself for who I am, warts and all...
...to own and accept the past, those events already lived with their mistakes and miracles...
...to welcome and actively embrace the future...
...and to finally be at total peace with the person I am after these 69 years.
And though still far, far from perfect, I'm finally "OK" with that...
Let the adventure continue...
