My Greatest Challenge...

"...I am patient with myself..."

"...I am kind to myself..."

"...I am accepting and non-judgemental of myself..."

Ahhh...if only true!

I have always been my own worst critic.

It has been one of the greatest challenges in life - to actually like myself.

But I'm working on it, and making progress...

It's been a life long journey, and part of the recent progress is based on developing a changed perspective about my internal critic (which I suspect we all have). 

Now when mine shows up, I have finally learned that I can choose whether to actually listen and believe what he says.  So it is becoming easier to stop ripping off my arm and beating myself up with it when I make a mistake. 

And then there's perfection.

I have always strived towards a better way of living, a life reflecting character, a life of consistant increasing virtue - to be the Last Boy Scout...

      - Trustworthy

      - Loyal

      - Helpful

      - Friendly

      - Courteous

      - Kind

      - Obedient

      - Cheerful

      - Thrifty

      - Brave

      - Clean

      - and Reverent

I've come to realize trying to live to the standards implied by that Scout motto, learned at age 11 before turning my life over to Christ, has been my subconscious North Star for a looong time.

Congruency is achieved when your actions are aligned with your core beliefs...

I do believe through Jesus Christ, I am seen as perfect and sinless in God's eyes, but that does not make all my actions acceptable and perfect here on earth.

Much like Sisyphus repeatedly pushing a large boulder up the mountain - only to have it roll back over him, only recently have I gained understanding that my constant, life-long struggle has been pushing my own boulder up a mountain, trying to achieve a life of unattainable perfection...and being crushed when I failed.

Though now, I fully acknowledge the reality that no one (including me!) will ever, nor can ever achieve perfection while living on this earth.

Finally coming to that full awareness has been life changing.

And I've been reflecting on the changed perspective for a while now...

Accepting that I shall never be perfect, I have made a conscious choice to continue pursuing a life of virtue - but for totally different reasons now.

It's no longer to attain perfection, but for the simple satisfaction of pursuing "a life better lived".

Success is the progressive realization of a worthwhile goal or objective...

I believe it's the struggle, the push against the boulder, which makes us stronger and provides true satisfaction...it's the pursuit of a goal...

In fact, the pursuit has become a fresh adventure with renewed energy, new discoveries, and with new motives...

...of fully accepting myself for who I am, warts and all...

...to own the past already lived with its mistakes and miracles...

...to welcome and actively embrace the future...

...and to finally be at total peace with the person I am after these 69 years.

And though still far, far from perfect, I'm "OK" with that...

Let the adventure continue...